TheNutter

This thought has been slowly forming over many years.  It became particularly clear to me one spring day in Venice, and that stayed with me for a few years before it submerged again under the murky confusion of an unravelling relationship.  The clarity returned this year due in large part to the Cirque Du Soleil/Beatles Love show in Vegas, and to my own startling revelation that I am still capable of falling in love and learning a great deal about it.

It occurred to me that, contrary to much of what we think, read, sing, and say about love, the best kind of love is actually a very selfish thing: it is all about you (or, from my perspective, me).   When we talk about a relationship or a marriage we often talk about it as if it is a third entity, as if it were a child born from love, but requiring each of the two people involved to somehow sacrifice themselves for the betterment of this other, imagined entity of the relationship itself.  If we experience frustration or disappointment with aspects of the relationship our focus usually turns from the entity of two to the one, and that one is hardly ever ourselves, it is our partner: the other.  This occurs even when we are consumed by happiness.  Whether it be an overwhelming obsession of positive thoughts, or an equally obsessive string of the negative, they usually center on the other.  Either we are cataloging the reasons why we love this person (as if rationality had anything to do with it), or we are making lists of changes our partner needs to make in order for this relationship to “work.”  While this is all very natural, and probably unavoidable to some extent, it really does not have anything to do with love.

You see, love isn’t about two, and it isn’t about your partner.  Love is about you.  When you truly love someone you do things for them, sacrifice for them, not because you are trying to prove your love through some ridiculous display of martyrdom, nor because you want to earn brownie points to cash in later for something you want, but because doing things for them makes you feel good.  When you love someone you share the deepest darkest parts of yourself with them, not to set an example of the honest authenticity you expect them to provide for you in return, not because it gives you the upper hand (higher ground) in some twisted zero-sum marriage game, but because you want to be known, fully and completely, and by this person whom you love.

It is this truth of love that, I believe, makes it divine.  It is not about self-sacrifice, but rather purely selfish sacrifice.  It is similar to charity I believe.  If you give of yourself to others in order to receive some kind of payback, whether it be to impress others, to mitigate guilt, or to get an express ticket to heaven… whatever… then what you are doing is not really charity, and more than likely will not earn you any of these things that you may be seeking by doing it.  If, however, you do it because it makes you feel good then you’ve got it, and rewards you are not seeking will follow.  Love works like this.  Love requires you to give yourself over to it, but it only works if you are giving yourself for yourself.

Love is all about you.  “Can you love?” is the most crucial question life will ask of you.  It will ask every day if you are listening.  So if your answer is “No” don’t worry, you will get another chance, if you listen.  And if you are lucky and wise and your answer is “Yes” then don’t forget to keep listening… because you will be asked again tomorrow.

Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying “Love the one you’re with no matter what” or that anyone can just love anyone else if they do enough listening… heck the best some of us can hope with certain others of us is willful tolerance and perhaps moderate compassion.  Obviously, the quality of your relationship still has a lot to do with whom your partner is and how well you are suited for one another.  We are talking about love here though and love is not “the quality of your relationship”.  It is the most important determining factor in that equation, and yet also so much more…

Love is raw healing power and a natural energy source.  Love can make your life whole, and give you meaning.  Love can put you in touch with your authentic self.  Love is eternal hope and can banish all fear from your life.  Love is the ultimate leap of faith.

And all of that is about you.  All love needs is you.