TheNutter

So I find myself at yet another crossroads… or perhaps more accurately, standing in the desert with countless roads stretching out in all directions.  I feel that I have already lived many lives, and experienced a few deaths to boot.  In the beginning there was this bizarre childhood, something I have been incapable of approximating a description of, whether it be to others or to myself.  It is difficult to describe something to others when you have no frame of common reference, and since that part of my life has born no resemblance whatsoever to anything else I have encountered, the whole thing seems somewhat like a dream that somebody else dreamt.  I do not even recall the details of how that life ended… I know I was visiting relatives out of town and some kind of hair broke the camel’s back of my family so that when I returned everything- and I do mean everything -was different, unfamiliar, and strange.

Then there was the school / independence movement life.  Another weird twilight zone of a life, marked by an unrelenting forward motion driven by the panic of being on my own too early with absolutely no clues about the world beyond the closeted existence of my alternative childhood.  That life, too, ended in a murky mess that my memory has graciously clouded.

There was the corporate / entrepreneur life…  wherein I dazzled people, started businesses,  and ultimately learned that people suck and I should stay as far away from business as I can (which unfortunately turns out to be not very far at all).  That life resulted in a series of deaths in what has to have been one of the most bizarre years a human being has experienced.

And finally, this last life- the attempt to build a family of my own -now pronounced dead with an exchange of vows between a stranger I have never met, and another stranger I’ve known for 11 years and loved deeply despite the hazards to my health of doing so.

So here I am.  I have been told by student advisors (people who should never ever be taken at their word) that I have accumulated enough credits to graduate university at long last.  The catch: I have to wait for 11 weeks or more for the people in the admissions office to do something that cannot take longer than an hour.  There is no point in taking anymore courses until they have finished their evaluation, and little point in moving on to the next stage until I find out whether this one is really completed or not.  Is the universe conspiring to ensure that I take a breather between lives this time around?  It certainly seems that way…

So that is what I am doing right now.  Taking a breather.  I refuse to make plans.  I refuse to even think too deeply about practically anything at this point.  I will wait at least until I have my degree in hand to start the thinking and planning cycle again… in the meantime, I am re-acquainting myself with childhood dreams.  I am reading fiction again, and thinking about writing some.  And with a little sweat and a lotta luck, maybe I can turn this breather into another life… and maybe, just maybe, this new life will stick.